Standing on My Soapbox: Odd Thoughts

Originally posted  10/02/2009

Standing on My Soapbox:  Odd Thoughts

I just have several odd thoughts I would like to get off my chest. Some of them you may have heard and some are ones that others have shared with me, but still puzzle me. Please just humor me.

1. Why don’t chicken breasts have nipples?

2. Do giraffes ever get sore necks?

3. If horses could play basketball, do you think they would play “H-U-M-A-N”?

4. If a dog could play with a yo-yo, do you think the dog would do the trick “Walking the Dog”?

5. Do you think a duck would get confused if you yelled at the duck to “duck”?

6. When a cow stands out in the rain, why doesn’t the cow fall apart like leather?

7. When a cow stands in the sun, why doesn’t it tan and turn brown like leather?

8. If a snake could talk, would it have a lisp?

9. If penguins could fly, where do you think they would go?

10. Why does minute rice take more than one minute to cook? Isn’t that false advertising?

11. Since there is no sound in space due to space being a vacuum, why is my home vacuum so loud?

12. If you go to an Italian restaurant and order antipasta for an appetizer and pasta for dinner, did you really eat anything at all?

13. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol when you can’t drink and drive?

14. When chickens eat something, do you think they say “It tastes like chicken”?

15. Do Chinese people feel hungry an hour after eating American food?

16. If you own a restaurant and you eat in your restaurant, are you eating out?

17. Why don’t psychics ever see their fortune or misfortune coming?

18. Why isn’t there a Channel 1 on the TV?

19. Don’t you say the word never when you say the phrase, “Never Say Never”?

20. If water swirls clockwise north of the equator and counterclockwise south of the equator, which way does it swirl for those people living on the equator?

21. If Siamese twins were chosen to speak in front of a group, would that be a monologue or a dialogue?

22. Why does the word “monosyllabic” have more than one syllable?

23. Do gas tanker trucks ever run out of gas?

24. Why are there only nudists and not clothes-ists as well?

25. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

26. If you are scared half to death twice, what happens?

27. If you drink 2 cartons of half and half, did you have a whole carton of milk?

28. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

29. If you are riding down the interstate and read a billboard advertising a personal injury lawyer and in the process you get into a wreck causing yourself personal injury, could you sue the personal injury lawyer?

30. If a duck and a chick have a baby, would it be a dick?

31. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

32. If it is true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

33. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

34. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle its in?

35. Why are their interstates in Hawaii?

36. Why is a person who plays the piano a pianist, but a person who drives a race care not called a racist?

37. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

38. If a donkey gets mad at another donkey, does he call that donkey an ass?

39. Are dyslexic people intimidated by Spelling Bees?

40. Do blind people get offend by blinds like Native American people get offend by say sports team using Indian mascots?

41. Since I have always heard of "Old Wives Tales", why aren't there any "Old Man Tales"?

42. If a horse gets too rough, is it called horseplay?

43. If more than one goose starts to choke, is it called a gaggle?

44. Can a chicken play the game "chicken"?

45. If a cow makes a call, would it be a cattle call?

46. When a dog looks at a tree does he think it has rough bark?

47. If "ShamWOW" sells itself, why is their an info-mercial trying to sell it?

48. If a truck is transporting a trailer full of donkeys and only going the speed limit, is the truck still hauling ass?

49. If you throw away a fortune cookie, are you throwing away a fortune?

50. If you sleep with a hooker and then don't pay for it, is it shoplifting?

51. Would a dyslexic cow say "Oom" instead of "Moo"?

52. If your "wondering" around a pond...does that mean your Pondering?

53. Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?

54. If a Muslim makes an exclamatory statement, would they use "OMG" for Oh, my God or "OMA" for Oh, My Allah?

55. If normal body temperature is 98.6 degrees, why does 80+ degrees outside feel so hot?

56. If a group of Geese is called a "gaggle", why isn't a group of cows called a "Moo"?

57. Wonders, if a business says "NO SHIRT,NO SHOES,NO SERVICE", what would happen if you walk in with no pants would they still serve you?

58. Wonders, if a person in Mexico makes a phone call to a business, do they have to Press #1 for Spanish?

59. Wonders if Confucius ever got confused?

60. Wonders why people never ask to have a boat as their one item if they were ever stranded on a desert island alone.

61. Do woodpeckers get headaches?

62. If Superheroes wear underwear on the outside of their clothing, what's on the underside?

63. How come when you open a can of evaporated milk, it's still there?

64. If swimming is so good for you why are whales so fat?

65. Why do people point to their wrist when they want to know the time, yet don't point to their crotch when they want to go to the bathroom?

66. Why is there an "s" in lisp?

67. Wonders...if you buy a cup of coffee and the caffeine didn't work, does that mean the coffee is defective and has been falsely advertised? Could you get a refund?

68. Wonders...if I was a white child born in South Africa, would I be a "White, African American"?

69. Wonders....if a turtle lost it shell, would it be naked or homeless??

70. Wonders...why does bottled water have an expiration date?

71. Wonders...what was the first person (who figured out you could get milk from a cow) doing the the cow?

72. Wonders...if common sense is so common, why do so many people lack it?

72. Wonders...what happens if you eat an upside-down cake while being upside down? Does it mean that the cake now becomes right side up?

73. If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?  --Stephen Wright

74. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? --Stephen Wright

75. Wonders...does the old statement, "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again" really apply to all things? What about skydiving?

76. If Wednesday has always been known as "Hump Day", should Thursday be renamed to "Need a Cigarette" day or "Fall Asleep" day?

77. Wonders...Can you believe in free will and believe in fate at the same time? Free will implies that you have a choice in what, where, and how. Fate implies that a person is all ready pre-determined for the events and happenings in their life.

78. If you buy a trash can, are you throwing away money?

79. If you spend all day doing nothing, how do you know when you are done?

80. Wonders, if something was "the greatest thing since sliced bread", what about sliced bread?

81. Wonders, f you search for "nothing" in Google search engine, will you find something or nothing?